iEssex

 

basically 

every sentence in essex

starts with basically

and ends in babe

babe

 

and basically

essex is actually

made up out of

e's and sex

to compliment our favourite pastimes

outfoxing old bill

with skunk farms and raves

and cruising the sea front at southend

babe

 

basically though

it's a well known statistic

there's more boob silicon

bouncing around basildon 

than the rest of the country

put together

and that's without 

taking into consideration

romford chigwell or epping

babe

 

basically babe

i'm a little embarrassed

about my home county

and if some boy asks me

i usually say

basically

i come from near kent

babe

 

iKent

 

you said i smelt lush

flowery

that if i was england

i'd be kent

maybe even tunbridge wells

i had to correct you

no big deal

but

royal tunbridge wells

after all i am a princess

 

i asked you back for a sandwich

we'd just got through the front door

when you looked at the broadstairs

to my bedroom and said

ah edenbridge

i'll be your rochester

if you'll be my jane

together again

 

ah bless so sweet

then you said from dungeoness

'til gravesend

which sounded a little creepy

i need to put a lydd on this

so i showed you the door 

and said we're all dover

 

iAudrey

 

me and tiffany were having a picnic

in central park

(east ham not new york)

lazing back on the grass trying to catch

some rays

 

the ray i was after had a real cute bum

he was well lush

but tiffany couldn't find one

so settled for a paul

who was ok

i just wouldn't like snogging tickly moustaches

 

suddenly

these two brown furry caterpillars

crawl right up close and one of them said

hello darlings

which freaked us well out

until the other one explained

don't worry darlings we won't

hurt you we're audrey hepburn's

eyebrows

 

i coaxed them into a matchbox

looked after them and fed them

trained them

so now i can wear them as accessories 

with a little fab 60s dress 

whenever i go to fancy dress parties

disguised as holly golightly